Fatty’s Fit Flat
Sometimes the gym isn’t a possibility. You have things that need to be done at home, you have kids that need to get to bed, you have limited funds to pay a monthly fee- plus maintenance fees, plus Initiation Fees (plus, plus, plus) or you will feel like a fool dancing in a class full of people you don’t know. Either way, what’s a fatty to do if they don’t want to visit a gym (or just fear leaving their home in yoga pants- which, really, most people on earth should)? My at-home exercise tips.
Sometimes, working out at home is just easier and more logical than trying to fit a gym visit in. And I love multitasking. I will often turn on the oven and preheat it while I do my warm up, and start cooking while I do the work out. And even if I have only a short time to squeeze in my work out, there are videos that allow a short, but intense workout to get it done. I LOVE any Turbo Jam workout, and most of the at home videos are 45 minutes. But if you need fast, the Fat Blaster workout is only 30 minuets and full of plyometrics (OHHH- fancy fitness word- exercises based around having muscles exert maximum force in as short a time as possible) and intervals (OHH- another fancy word- high intensity alternated with lower intensity). Intervals are great because you have the lower bursts to recover, and then times that push you as hard as possible in small sections so you can survive the extremes. Another workout, T25, is a new Sean T (Insanity guy) workout that’s only 25 minutes, but may kill you in that short time. There are multiple options to get a fast, efficient workout at home.
As a fatty starts their fitness journey, doing so in a gym full of people can be. . . awkward. And really, who doesn’t like being foolish alone, in their own home, in yoga pants? Videos, weight sets, tubes- all fairly inexpensive and available to most everyone. And there are multiple fitness videos for newcomers, who will help train you to become a fitness monster.
There A LOT of people out there who have attempted a home fitness routine, then gave up and went back to sleeping and eating Twinkies (yes, they’re back, and they’re STILL awesome and delicious- YEAY). These people are great for people on a budget. Ebay, Amazon, Craigslist- all of these places have fitness stuff for a low cost because people want to try and get something back to feed that Twinkie habit. I bought a barbell set at Walmart for 100 bucks. There are options for most people, and if even 5 bucks for a video is a burden- being a mooch works just fine too. Post that you are starting a fitness routine on whatever social media site you partake of, and request to borrow old DVD’s, weights, etc from your friends. Do you know how many people have stuff littering their home they have NEVER used?
So, if working out at a gym just isn’t for you- you can do it at home. Buy yourself some fun exercise outfit (neon green yoga pants, zebra print tank), and go all out at home. Your fatty fanny with thank you.
Fatty’s Football Fetish
I love football. I grew up in Wisconsin, so being a Packer fan is the law. But football is also the bastion of fatty food, hours of gluttony, and sloth (TWO deadly sins??). How do you keep healthy when snacks and hours of TV watching take up your Sunday (or Monday, or Thursday)? My rules for an awesome football experience, without ending the season looking like a lineman.
1. Bring something healthy, yet delicious. No one wants to watch football and eat food that makes them hate life. Football is fun, food is fun. Don’t ruin lives by offering food that looks, and tastes, like stale death. Eating healthy takes you creating dishes you love and WANT to eat. Veggie plates are easy and tasty (as are fruit plates), but not always the top choice. There are multiple healthy options for a game day meal. Salsa, spinach dip, and guacamole are all great with baked chips, veggies, or cut peppers. I love turkey chili (super spicy), turkey hot dogs, or turkey burgers (see the theme?). There’s less fat, and yet you’re still enjoying great tailgating food. And you saved a cow, which is WAY more adorable and lovable than an ugly turkey (have you ever tried to hug a turkey? They’ll peck your face off).
2. Get your workout in. During the commercials, there isn’t much interesting going on. Use that time for short fitness bursts. Jumping jacks, football drills (ironic right?), suicides, bicycle crunches, Heismans (more irony), or any short drill to get that heart rate up. Bathroom break? Who needs it. Get your workout in during commercials. I feel silly, and my husband looks at me like I’ve lost it, but it gets the job done. One caveat: not good at sports bars (or biker bars). Looking silly is OK at home, and maybe with friends, but not so much around sports hooligans or gang hangouts.
3. Drink in moderation. Want a beer? Have one. I like wine and mixed drinks, and I find healthy options for those things. There are light beers, diet soda mixers, and healthy smoothies that you can add some booze to, making it less healthy but more delicious. Enjoy yourself. Have a drink, but don’t go crazy. A little red wine is good for the heart, and a beer has antioxidants- so have some. Just don’t have so much that you end up with a lamp shade on your head and no pants (again, this is WAY worse when happening at a sports bar or gang hangout).
Football is great. I love football season. But football brings with it junk food, drinking, and hours on the couch. But if you love to WATCH a sport, you can love to PLAY a sport. Get that heart rate up and run like hell during the commercials. Maybe all your hard work will pay off with a really good looking, and rich, football player falling in love with you (Clay Matthews- call me).
Fatty’s First Fitness Feats
Good title, right? All those f words (nice, clean, pretty f words) to tell the story of how I started out. I realized that I have yet to discuss the START of my journey. How I finally got back into a less round (sort of) shape, and how I was able to get dedicated.
When I walked into the gym, I was a bit apprehensive, but I wasn’t intimidated. I had played sports in high school, did a marathon (well, most of), and carried hay and huge bags a grain for my horse. I figured that after having been in good shape for much of my life, it couldn’t be that hard to get back into shape- I’d done it all before and I was great at pretending I knew what I was doing!
Wellllllllll, turns out that it’s not as easy as I convinced myself. It takes hard work, dedication, and a little delusion to get it done. It takes effort and drive, and a realization that I am not the young spring chicken I once was (although, being a young chicken makes me more likely to become a delicious nugget, where as being an old chicken makes me tough, fatty, and less yummy). So how did I do it? How did I force myself back into fitness, and do MORE than I have ever done before?
I’ve said in past blogs that had I not gained weight, I probably would not have gone into a gym in the first place. That being said, I’ve had the best time meeting, and working with, some of the strongest people I’ve ever known. I started out running and using the elliptical, but realized fairly quickly that I needed more guidance- and someone to push me. Doing things on my own wasn’t getting me results, and I needed to try things that were a bit out of my comfort zone. So I started Body Pump.
Body pump was the first time I had handled dumbbells, and it can be intimidating to a new person in a new class, overweight, clumsy, and not really all that . . . buff. But this class changed my gym lifestyle. It helped open me up to new things, try different classes, and push myself harder. Opening yourself up to a new workout allows you to find what works for you. . . and when you hit a plateau, you can do something new to smash through that wall.
Starting out, I was not an expert on. . . well, anything. And I can’t say I’m an exercise expert NOW. But I AM an expert on sharing everything I do and mocking myself. And letting others learn from what I do. And I guess that’s little helpful for you all. Or at least I pretend that its helpful and give myself a big pat on the back. You’re welcome. Now get out there and try something new.
Work Warrior
Being good at work is hard. For most of us, working 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week is a reality. For some people, 12 hour days are the norm. Being that you spend most of your day at work, how do you stay healthy? How does a fit fatty keep her shape when sitting all day? And what about all the coworkers who bring stuff you know eating all day will end up making your (MY) butt enormous?
I work in accounting, and I sit almost all day. I get up, I walk around, but mostly I sit. Sitting most of the day means working it after work- working it HARD. And if you eat like crap all day, you need to do that much more.
1. I’m a wiggler. I’m hoping that if a serial killer some day tries to carry me off he’ll get frustrated and leave me because I won’t stop wiggling around. Angela for the win. But it makes me move at work. Even if I’m sitting, I’m moving. I shake my legs, I turn back and forth, I stand up and move around. I’m good at fidgeting- I could be a fidget expert. It’s not an exercise replacement, but I think its my body’s way of reminding me that I’m wasting valuable exercise time. Moving helps me prep for a real workout later.
2. Junk and fast food is almost always a part of work life. If I know where I’m heading to lunch before we go, I look up the nutrition online to find something that won’t blow my calorie intake for the day. I look at what’s in it (I try to avoid trans fat), and also try not to do too much fried food. But if I want french fries, I eat french fries. But knowing how much I ate helps me work it off. I have “My fitness pal” on my phone so I know what I ate that day, and what my exercise calorie burn was. If I see that my day was horrendous, I know to kick it up at the gym- set the resistance higher, do an extra video at home, add more weight during pump. Eat too much, work TONS harder.
3. Make your workout a priority. I plan for my workout- I pack my gym bag the night before, and grab it on my way to work. I plan to go after work, and I do. I know if I make it a priority, it WILL BE a priority.
4. I make a bad day at work a good day at the gym. Angry at my coworker? They’re who I picture going to war with during Body Combat. Annoyed with how much I ate or my work load? Run like crazy on the treadmill- far, far away from the workload and food. Sometimes a bad day is your best inspiration to get it together.
Work can make your day busy and full of candy. But it can also be your inspiration to work that much harder. If you make your health a priority, nothing can stop you. Well, nothing except my head exploding from stress. But other than that. . .
Fatty Flubs
What’s a girl to do when she misses a workout (or 2, or 3. . . or a month) or screws up her diet and eats 10 deep fried twinkies covered in frosting while watching Game of Thrones (geek heaven)? How do you recover after falling down? Or falling down, breaking your leg, getting a concussion, and then dislocating your shoulder (aka- the REALLY BIG screw ups)? How do you dust yourself off and get back on the horse? My methods for getting back off my butt are this:
1. Pack a bag and get ready for the day. I take my gym bag to work. I bring it in, and it sits on my office floor until I’m ready to leave. I put everything in it the night before, and then I’m ready to go for the next day. If I take it with me, and have it at work, it makes me go. It also gains me a little pat on the back from coworkers, so then I can lie and pretend like I’m super fit when I actually get changed and then go watch TV at home in gym clothes. No, that’s not a thing. What it does is make me go and earn those compliments.
2. Work it off. Ate too much? Was too lazy? Work it off. Put in some extra time at the gym, try something new, push harder. Sometimes taking that bad day (bad diet) and using it as inspiration is what will push you. Think of those twinkies as delicious, cream filled punching bags, and picture them in front of you at Body Combat. Run as if all those hot dogs you ate were chasing you down to eat you (think Weenie Races at Miller Park with zombie hot dogs).
3. Shake it off. Feeling bad about yourself happens. Beating yourself up about mistakes happens. But get over it, and get back to work. Turn that anger into fight. Slip ups happen, and recovery can happen.
4. Be optimistic. Every bad day ends. And then you get back on the horse. I’m hard on myself. VERY hard. But sometimes looking at the bright side is the way to go. Saying “tomorrow WILL be better” is the way to MAKE it better.
5. Set weekly goals- and then threaten yourself. I WILL go to the gym four days this week. And if I don’t, I can’t have ice cream on Sunday (Sunday is my “day off”- the day where I can have a treat and rest). And if I do make it? I get ice cream, and MAYBE a pet that my husband has yet to find out about or allow me to have (because what better reward can there be than buying myself an awesome animal my husband never wanted?). Setting small goals, and then rewarding yourself a little when you reach them gives you incentive to go back out and earn the next reward.
It’s easy to get discouraged when you screw up. It’s easy to give up. And its SUPER easy to do nothing and eat junk (most of the time simultaneously). But you can be a success. Get out there, get some drive, and do it with embellishment- talk yourself up, tell everyone (and yourself!) that you’re awesome- then go out there and BE awesome!
Fatty Festivities
I love a party. Who doesn’t? Well, except people who are no fun joykills. But after July 4th, and now a wedding, the question is: how can you have fun and still be healthy? I have party rules that I use when going out.
1. Never go hungry. Eat something small and healthy. A quick snack means I don’t dive into a cake face first, or eat anything I can get my hands on covered in cheese (I’m from Wisconsin, everything comes with cheese. By law, apple pie has to be served with a wedge of cheese in Wisconsin. Look it up- no joke).
2. Find a healthy option, load up, walk away. A veggie plate is almost always an option. It’s easy, cheap, and your laziest friend who doesn’t want to cook anything, or really, look around in a store, will almost always invest in one. I fill my plate with veggies and fruit, and then have a little cake or whatever sweets I so choose. But because I ate the “good for me” stuff first, I’m not so hungry. And I can enjoy the things I love, but in a more logical portion because I’m not starving when I grab it.
3. Dance! Get that fatty fanny up and moving. Parties are a great time to get in a quick workout, plus maybe get a date out of it (not me- I am a happily married lady). But doing that stuff you did as a kid for fun, before typing your blog on a laptop became a thing, helps burn calories. It’s a workout that you enjoy, and it keeps you away from the food!
4. Gossip. Mock your cousin Al for insisting that the robot is coming back, and doing it to every song that plays at the reception (even the slow songs- slow robot= NOT awesome). Ask your grandmother for all the dirt on what a bad kid your mom was. Congratulate your Uncle Bob on his newest felony conviction- because who WOULDN’T think it’s hilarious that he stole a bunny and a tortoise from the pet store and forced them to race against each other in his backyard while taking bets from the neighborhood kids? OK, don’t do those things, all those things are terrible (which is what makes them so FUN)- BUT- catching up with family, talking, getting all the dirt- keeps you away from the food, and allows you to stick to your goals. And a little bragging about how awesome you are, how much weight you’ve lost, and how much better you are than everyone else- well, leave out that last part, you don’t want to sound conceited (no matter how true)- can liven everything up a bit.
A party is a party, and if you want cake, have cake. But it doesn’t have to derail everything you did. I may not follow the rules every time, but they help if I think I may go a bit nuts. I have a plan, and that plan will keep me on track. And if not, at least I feel better than most the morning after.
Fatty’s Focus (aka Girly’s Goals)
When I walked into the gym nearly 2 years ago, I had one goal: to be the weight I was when I got married 7 years ago. And honestly, I know me: I would have never walked into a gym if I hadn’t become Fatty me. I wanted to look like I did those many years ago. And it wasn’t a “lose weight to be healthy” issue, it was “I want to look amazing” issue. Don’t worry- I’m still shallow. I still want to look amazing. BUT as I worked out, I realized my goals have advanced (well, changed):
1. Fit into my old clothes. I realized weight is not what matters MOST to me anymore. Of course it matters- when my pounds on the scale stay the same I kind of freak out and mutter curse words. But even if I’m losing fat, I’m gaining muscle, and sometimes the two cancel themselves out and curse me with the same old poundage. My measurements are changing, and how I carry my weight is changing. And as I make my changes, I can wear my old clothing. And getting back to my smallest pants size is a goal. Because even if I don’t change weight, I am losing inches and building muscles of steel.
2. I wanna be ripped. Anywhere that has muscle, I want it to be hard as a rock. If a man (who isn’t my husband) smacks me on the butt, I want him to break his hand. I want to be able to listen to men brag about how buff they are, walk over, flex my muscles, and emasculate them all. I want to be able to make my chest muscles “dance”. I want to be able to use my massive, muscular legs to kick down doors. I don’t want to ever say “that’s too heavy for me to carry”– and have it be a Chihuahua.
3. I want to advance in every class I take, every challenge I take on. I want to add more weight when I take Body Pump, I want to perfect my form in Body Combat, I want to be able to do all 8 billion push ups on my toes in class. I want to be able to increase resistance, run longer, faster, harder. I want to know that if I’m being chased by a lion (tiger, bear, ninja, zombie) I can out run all my friends.
4. I want to be healthy. I want to know my changes have improved my life. That I get healthier with each advance I make. And if I can gain the body (and face) of a 23 year old me for the rest of my life? SO WORTH IT!
Sometimes diet, exercise, and life changes don’t reflect on the scale. As infuriating as that can be, other changes are taking place. Sometimes creating a new, awesome you takes more than pounds. It can take drive, stubbornness, and an amazing blog to inspire yourself, and others.
Fatty’s Fat Phobia
Being that today is my birthday (yeay being old and cranky- instead of young and cranky!) I thought this would be a great time to write about cake. I love cake. Anyone who says they don’t love cake is a dirty liar. Cake is awesome. BUT- keep an eye on what’s in that cake.
Cake mixes, cookie mixes, quick mix together stuff is great. It makes life easier, and there are great brands out there without a lot of crap in it. ALWAYS look at the ingredient list. Almost all mixes- quick and easy store bought stuff- has partially hydrogenated oils in it. Now, thanks to advertising and fitness/nutrition gurus everyone knows that trans fat is bad. But why? Why is it so bad? For once, I won’t say “because I said so, and this is my blog”. I’ll actually break it down for you in a basic, small word summary.
Trans fats don’t exist in the real world. Because the body hates to waste anything (thanks a lot body, way to keep all that fat packed on me for “survival” during a “famine”), it stores it. Since it has nowhere else to store it- it puts it in your arteries. That’s the prefect place for it because I wasn’t using those anyway. And so when you eat enough of it, it coats those arteries until there’s no room for the blood to reach the heart. Just so you know- that’s a bad thing. Don’t do that.
So if you want a cake mix, or a cookie, or anything made in a store- go for it. But look at what’s in it. Trans fat= NO. Don’t do it. Now, I’m no hippie. If you want to eat non-organic cake smothered in beef pate deep fried in high fructose corn syrup- go for it. Just don’t add trans fat to it because THAT is what will kill you. Well, that and eating too much deep fried sugared beef. But I guess that’s a whole different blog.
Fatty Has A Heart
I have a heart. I know it doesn’t seem like it because I’m a mean spirited spawn of evil who sees no good in anyone and just blurts out horrible things while making up elaborate plots for revenge. I’m just kidding- none of that is true. I’m awesome and I have an awesome heart. Know how I know? I have a heart rate monitor.
I love my monitor. It tells me how many calories I burn. It tracks how hard I’m working, and it gives me a percentage based on my age, weight, and gender. And it lets me know “holy crap, your heart is going crazy, you are going to die, SLOW DOWN!!!!” Well, not really- But it would be awesome if it had the Star Trek “this ship is going to blow up” alarm when my heart rate gets too high. But these goals all in good time I guess. New app for my phone perhaps?
I wanted a heart rate monitor that gave me calories burned and had a chest strap because I know those are more effective at reading the heart rate. I bought the Reebok Dual Heart Rate Monitor from target- and I wear it 4-6 days a week. It takes a beating and keeps going- we have a lot in common my monitor and I.
My heart keeps me alive. It keeps beating even when I’m not paying attention to it- or when I decide I want to eat deep fried Twinkies covered in sugared lard. And my heart rate monitor tells me I’ve worked hard, and my heart is still in top shape. And after working hard, how is an appropriate reward NOT deep fried Twinkies covered in sugared lard???
Fatty Insanity
Picture a class where people are barely functioning after the first ten minutes, where each new move seems like a new form of torture, and where half the people walk out after a half hour- and then promptly drop dead in the lobby. No, I’m just kidding, no one dropped dead in the lobby. At least not that I saw. But I’m sure the gym would keep that pretty hush hush if their members started dropping dead in the lobby after a class. And the name of this class? Insanity. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. And look at that: I keep doing it. And the result I have successfully attained thus far? Not dying during or after class.
Insanity happens to be ANOTHER class that is in love with jumps. Jumps of all types. Jumps that make me feel like my boobs, after popping up and hitting me in the face multiple times, will rattle off my chest and run to the safety of a mother of 17 infants, or a nice participant in Foxy Boxing. There are jump squats, jumping jacks, jump kicks of multiple types, and the best thing ever in the whole world in history EVER: burpees! (I know it’s hard to tell when I write it- but that was sarcasm). After so much jumping up and down, my heart feels like it will beat out of my chest and flee for cover.
I wear a heart rate monitor to track my heart rate and calories burned, and that little tracker was working overtime to monitor what I was doing. When pushing myself as hard as I could, I was getting into my maximum target heart rate. Each track usually contains 3 full sets of moves, with a small break in between. Those small breaks allow you to have peaks and valleys in your heart rate. Interval training is great for your health, and for any weight loss goals. Why? Well, because the experts says so! “Evidence shows that with high-intensity interval training, participants can increase their maximum aerobic capacity—how well their body uses oxygen for energy at their greatest heart rate—higher than those who participate in a continuous exercise program”- “Why Try Interval Training Workouts? Quick Results”. Wanna read all about it? http://health.usnews.com/health-news/articles/2012/06/12/why-try-interval-training-workouts-quick-results Yeay studies that show that my hard work will pay off!! Yeay people who can convince me to keep doing what I’m doing!!!
Even the warm up during the Insanity class is crazy. It isn’t an “ease you in” type of warm up- it’s a kick your butt until you cry warm up. And from there, each track pushes you to your max. There are also toning tracks to work your arms, legs, and abs. As I write this, my triceps are killing me and my legs feel like they’ve taken a beating. And that feeling lets me know I earned my calorie burn last night.
I’m willing to try new things, and try a workout that seems more impossible than the last thing I’ve done. This workout aimed to kill me, but failed. And that means I’ll go back for more.
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